Sitting and Drinking and Driving

This story is absurd even by my standards, so let’s start with that. A Minnesota man was arrested after hitting a parked car. Once again, it was the all too common story that he had just left the bar after having a few too many drinks. The less common story is that he was driving a motorized La-Z-Boy chair. Considering that it’s hard to imagine that he was any real danger to anyone, it’s that rare story of a drunk driver getting in an accident that is funny. I mean, what kind of a person finds them-self in such a situation?

It’s probably best to have a quick laugh, turn the page and move on. However, when squirrel hunting, you find yourself thinking less about the main character and considering all of the other people that were part of his life that night. This isn’t the sort of crime that takes place without some complicity.

One has to assume that if he drove his chair out of the bar, he drove it to the bar. Sober or not, exactly how does one not attract attention driving their chair out of the house, down the driveway and then turning onto the street?

“Hey, there’s a guy driving his chair down the road. Wait, it’s okay, I don’t think he’s drunk.” Seriously, this is something that unfolds in plenty of time for someone to intervene.

Let’s jump ahead a few hours and assume that he has now arrived at the bar without attracting any interest. Does someone open the door for him? Does he stand up and drag it in himself? Does anyone notice? Does this kind of thing happen regularly at this bar? Exactly how drunk are the rest of the people in this town?

How about the cop? Crashing into a parked car in a padded chair can’t do much damage, and certainly can’t be very loud. Was he sitting in his patrol car watching the events unfold? Was the chair moving too fast for him to take action? Do they impound the chair? Do you actually give the driver a sobriety test or can we just assume he’s well over the limit based on circumstantial evidence? Finally, does everyone involved feel as stupid as they should?

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Criminals for Christmas

I find that those that spend their lives trying to skirt the legal system often provide the greatest entertainment for the rest of us. Probably because, as a profession, it tends to attract a disproportionate number of those that are looking for an easy path through life, and that leads to decisions that most of us are able to discard. Thankfully for the rest of us, the greatest harm that they do is often to themselves. For this week, being that it is the Christmas season, I thought that I would take advantage of the situation and introduce you to two of my favorites.

This last week brought the story of drug trafficker who possessed a logic that was destined to lead to his introduction to the local legal authorities. Arriving on a flight from Guatemala, he landed in Virginia where he did his best to slide through customs with two bags of cocaine. I can only guess that the trick to slipping through undetected is to try and look as much like everyone else as possible. No flashy clothing, no sweating profusely as you claim nothing with the customs officer, and no carry on bags that will draw unnecessary attention. Any decent smuggler should follow these basic rules; however, in this case we weren’t dealing with just any decent smuggler.

In his best effort to blend in with the crowd our subject had his stash in his carry on. In principle not a bad thought, unless..............unless your carry on is a cooked chicken. Exactly how does one look casual with a chicken under his arm? Before you think that this must be the dumbest smuggler ever, remember that he managed to get on the plane with a cooked chicken as carry on luggage. I can’t help but think he was feeling pretty confident on the plane ride north after making it through security with his stealthy plan.

Our second contestant has unfortunately never been able to rise above the level of petty thief. And, considering his latest feat, is unlikely to move up the criminal food chain any time soon.

It would seem to me that your mode of transportation would play a significant role during the “masterminding” stage of the crime. For example, if you are going to rob a bank, go out and get yourself a fast car. That is particularly true when your escape vehicle is a bike. When considering a crime, think in terms of quietly slipping down dark paths with your booty inside a backpack. There are both advantages and disadvantages to utilizing a bike as an escape vehicle, and they both need to be taken into consideration throughout planning.

A really bad time to realize the limitations of a bike is during your getaway. This is particularly relevant when you have just heisted a Christmas Tree. It’s a classic case of the crime and the get away vehicle being at odds with each other. Not surprisingly, he was apprehended in very short order as he struggled to both peddle and balance the tree at the same time. My only advice for him is that next year forget the tree, think wreath. Somehow, I expect that we may here from this guy again in the future.

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Medical Warnings

For the most part I manage to block out the disclaimers that the drug companies bombard us with at the end of their ads. After telling us how wonderful their drug can make our life, they proceed to rattle off a list of dangers that frequently sound much worse than the condition that they are trying to address.

Nevertheless, this week an ad, (no, I don’t know which drug because I successfully blocked it out), made a statement that left me considering why they didn’t just warn the patient that side effects included being totally screwed. In this case we are all warned that the downside included a sudden and permeant loss of sight and hearing. You have to be honest here, an ad campaign that demonstrated actors playing out each warning sign would be far more entertaining than the real ads.

Now isn’t that special. After begging your doctor to prescribe a drug that you know nothing about other than the actors in the commercial were good looking and deliriously happy, you suddenly find yourself blind and deaf. Let’s assume that you are one of society’s gifted members and you manage to stumble through the house and find a phone. How would know if you dialed the right number? You can’t see the key pad. If by some miracle you get the right number, when the operator at 911 starts asking questions you can’t answer because you can’t hear. The possibilities are endless.

How about this for a warning: Before taking this drug grab your favorite drink in a large container. If you suddenly go blind and deaf it won’t help, but at least you won’t feel so bad about being totally screwed.

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Quality Leadership

Just for a moment, let’s consider what we really need from our political leaders. We need people that are visionaries, willing to take on difficult issues regardless of what it may mean to them personally. Those that can see the challenges ahead, develop realistic plans, and then see them through. No gimmicks, no taking positions just to be popular, no staged events that only serve to get them personal attention. In short, those with the ability to identify the challenges, then implement real solutions. Which, naturally, brings us to our next victim, err, subject.

I can only guess that being a leader in the Maldives leaves one with only a small fraction of the global media output. The New York Times and CNN probably don’t have a well staffed office down the street just waiting for your next news conference. So what’s their plan to focus the world’s attention on their tiny country? They are taking scuba lessons. But wait, there’s more; they are also learning hand signals. Clearly, these are men with a vision.

Actually, I must admit that like these guys. As the lowest-lying nation on the planet, the plan is to focus attention on global warming and the very real possibility that they will find themselves slipping below the surface of the ocean by holding an underwater cabinet meeting. Rationale thinking would lead them to the United Nations where they would pound the table and demand justice as ambassadors from around the planet tried to find them on google maps, or even more probable, wandered around and networked while this country of less than a half million was filed away in the “insignificant” file. Fortunately for us, they tossed logic out the window.

Quality leadership? Probably not. A plan to change the world? Probably not. Are they going to be ignored? Very likely. A great plan? Absolutely. If you are going to go down in flames - or in this case sink - do it with style. Besides, who knows, maybe some writer will learn to scuba dive and actually cover the story.

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Political Correctness

I try to keep my comments and observations to reflect the lighter side of life, however, there are occasions where events unfold in manner completely devoid of humor. Typically, I quickly file them away in a place that will never find its way to these pages, but there are exceptions.

Recently a city police department released details on a crime to the media where political correctness officially took the leap from lame to irresponsible. I would normally let it pass, but this is the second time in recent months the same police force has forced me to consider the danger of their actions. While I have never been a fan of trying to water down the English language to the point where we strip out descriptiveness, it has taken criminal activity to illustrate that it isn’t simply self-righteousness masquerading as enlightened, but dangerous.

The most recent incident was an attack on a woman walking in a park. Fortunately, aside from some bumps and bruises, the victim escaped largely unscathed. In their formal announcement, the police notified the public that they are looking for witnesses, and we were told to be on the lookout for two 5-foot-4 males. The earlier episode that first caught my attention was even more egregious. An Amber Alert was issued with a full description of the child, the vehicle that she was put in, and once again, the height of the abductor.

What’s missing? How about any useful information. In an effort to ensure that we don’t offend an ethnic, age or whatever demographic you might choose, the police have managed to make the entire male population suspects. Thus, severely limiting the odds that the suspects will be caught. A woman has been attacked, a child taken from her home, and we can’t mention that the suspects are white, black or hispanic because someone’s feelings might be hurt? No mention of if they were twenty or eighty because there is concern of stereotyping? Can we no longer say that the suspect was overweight to avoid making someone watching the report from feeling insecure about themselves?

Someone in the upper layers of law enforcement has totally lost their ability to think clearly. They are making the already difficult jobs of their front line officers far more difficult than they need to be. I can only hope that someone in the decision making process has a stiff cup of coffee and suddenly realizes that they have created an absurd situation only capable of making bad situations worse. If we are seriously try to find someone, their appearance would seem to be relevant to the case. How about job one being to catch the bad guys and protect citizens? If a credible description exists, let’s assume that rationale adults want dangerous criminals caught regardless of their physical characteristics.

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The Perfect Squirrel Gun

Oddly enough, I find myself compelled to construct an entry where I have nothing to say. Given the title of this blog, it was impossible to ignore a recent piece that focused on how to find the perfect squirrel hunting gun. Making it even harder to ignore, the article started by asking the timeless question, “how big is a squirrel’s head, anyway?” I have nothing to add, nothing to reflect on, nothing - well nothing of any relevance. It just felt morally impossible to let it pass without comment.

Full disclosure - I am not a hunter. Not that I have anything against hunting. Living in the northern part of the country, not managing the size of the deer heard leads to thousands of animals suffering and slowly dying during hard winters. I understand deer issues. I understand bear issues. I understand turkey issues. What I didn’t realize was that we had such significant squirrel issues that it merited a detailed analysis regarding the best choice of weapons.

I must confess that I had a hard time reading through the article. Not only couldn’t I get beyond the reality that I was learning the intricacies of hunting squirrels, I failed to grasp why the piece wandered from apple trees to the Revolutionary War to fishing for salmon. Ultimately, a variety of weapons were discussed from muzzle-loaders, to .22 caliber, to17 caliber, (which travels at 2100 feet per minute - who knew), and finally to shotguns.

I read the article, I promise, I just don’t know what to recommend. The most egregious thing that I have ever done to a squirrel is to put crisco on the pole holding the bird feeders to keep them from climbing up and stealing all of the seed. For reference, it works well and has the added benefit of being hilarious when they slide down the pole.

So that’s it, I have fulfilled my obligation to comment on an article about selecting the perfect weapon against the dreaded and dangerous squirrel. As for me, I’m going to stick with the crisco.

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To Serve and Protect

It’s the time of year when haunted houses pop up across the country and the young and old alike wearily parade through the darkness as a carefully orchestrated cast of characters does their best to put a scare into the bravest of us. Now most of these aren’t very scary to anyone over eight years old, but recently one individual took it upon himself to be truly frighting. How? By being incredibly stupid.

Regrettably, in this case our subject was a member of the police, and worse, he wasn’t part of the entertainment. I have to believe that it wasn’t planned, because that would make it even more stupid, which quite frankly is hard to imagine. Or, at least I prefer not to imagine it. After all, spontaneous stupidity is preferable to planned stupidity.

Back to the story. I can only imagine it was the typical haunted house with ghosts and goblins jumping out from behind cardboard tombstones, while shrieking voices called and mummies suddenly came to life. Entertaining, but not quite up to the level of the latest Saw movie. However, this tour wasn’t quite over. At some point our officer decided that it would be a good idea to slip into the darkness and then jump out and surprise an unsuspecting passerby. Not very original I admit; it probably happens every night in every haunted house in the country. Only this time there was a twist - the officer jumped out, cocked his loaded revolver and stuck it in face of a young woman. It worked, according to the report the she was very scared.

As the story goes the department has suspended the officer and is investigating the matter. Official police business and all. Somehow they have to come up with an official sounding response that addresses being a moron. More likely, it gives their attorneys a few days to try and negotiate a settlement.


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