Criminals for Christmas

I find that those that spend their lives trying to skirt the legal system often provide the greatest entertainment for the rest of us. Probably because, as a profession, it tends to attract a disproportionate number of those that are looking for an easy path through life, and that leads to decisions that most of us are able to discard. Thankfully for the rest of us, the greatest harm that they do is often to themselves. For this week, being that it is the Christmas season, I thought that I would take advantage of the situation and introduce you to two of my favorites.

This last week brought the story of drug trafficker who possessed a logic that was destined to lead to his introduction to the local legal authorities. Arriving on a flight from Guatemala, he landed in Virginia where he did his best to slide through customs with two bags of cocaine. I can only guess that the trick to slipping through undetected is to try and look as much like everyone else as possible. No flashy clothing, no sweating profusely as you claim nothing with the customs officer, and no carry on bags that will draw unnecessary attention. Any decent smuggler should follow these basic rules; however, in this case we weren’t dealing with just any decent smuggler.

In his best effort to blend in with the crowd our subject had his stash in his carry on. In principle not a bad thought, unless..............unless your carry on is a cooked chicken. Exactly how does one look casual with a chicken under his arm? Before you think that this must be the dumbest smuggler ever, remember that he managed to get on the plane with a cooked chicken as carry on luggage. I can’t help but think he was feeling pretty confident on the plane ride north after making it through security with his stealthy plan.

Our second contestant has unfortunately never been able to rise above the level of petty thief. And, considering his latest feat, is unlikely to move up the criminal food chain any time soon.

It would seem to me that your mode of transportation would play a significant role during the “masterminding” stage of the crime. For example, if you are going to rob a bank, go out and get yourself a fast car. That is particularly true when your escape vehicle is a bike. When considering a crime, think in terms of quietly slipping down dark paths with your booty inside a backpack. There are both advantages and disadvantages to utilizing a bike as an escape vehicle, and they both need to be taken into consideration throughout planning.

A really bad time to realize the limitations of a bike is during your getaway. This is particularly relevant when you have just heisted a Christmas Tree. It’s a classic case of the crime and the get away vehicle being at odds with each other. Not surprisingly, he was apprehended in very short order as he struggled to both peddle and balance the tree at the same time. My only advice for him is that next year forget the tree, think wreath. Somehow, I expect that we may here from this guy again in the future.

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