Cannon Fire

Occasionally, an article is written with such a compelling lead that I force myself to ignore the content and sit back and ponder the possibilities. Not because I don’t want the information, (although most such headlines tend to be followed with meaningless dribble), but the title strikes such a peculiar chord that the words that follow can’t possibly live up to what’s in the bold print, and reality can’t approach what my mind has conjured. It needs to be savored like a fine wine, not gulped like the cheap beer on tap at the nearest frat party.

All of this leads to a headline that just keeps getting better because my imagination has now assumed control.

PA. MAN FIRES CANNON, HITS NEIGHBORS HOUSE

Since there is no possible logical explanation, I feel that I have the liberty to be unbridled in my interpretation. Let’s start with the ingredients needed to create such an event:

Ingredient One: The star of our story needs a cannon. Not a toy cannon, not a replica of a cannon, not a model cannon, but a battlefield quality cannon. Going even further, based on the fact that it was indeed fired, it needs to be a fully operational weapon.

Ingredient Two: If the cannon is going to be fired, it needs to fire something, and based on the subtitle mentioning civil war vintage where many of the weapons were still antiquated, we are free to assume that a traditional cannon ball was utilized.

Ingredient Three: If you have a cannon and cannon ball already in your possession, logic dictates a supply of black powder.

Ingredient Four: Let’s face it, we need the guy in this story. There just aren’t a lot of people that can string together the ingredients and thought process required to blow a hole in the neighbor’s house with a civil war vintage cannon. Now that I think about it, this might be the only person with such a resume.

The next consideration is trying to determine if the event was intentional. Even after the necessary four ingredients are in place, we still don’t have a hole in the neighbor’s house. There is a series of unavoidable events that have to take place:

The cannon has to be pointed at the neighbor’s house.

Gun powder has to be added to the cannon.

A cannon ball has to be inserted.

The fuse must be lit.

The only thing that could make this story better would be if it truly was unintentional, which would require the above list to all take place by accident.

This leaves us to consider the conversation between our over zealous civil war enthusiast and the home owner.

“Sorry about that hole in your house, I tripped over the hose and accidently threw the gunpowder and cannon ball into the cannon. The only way that I could get them out was to light the fuse and didn’t realize that it was pointed at your house.”

“Are you some kind of idiot?”

or,

“Sorry about that hole in your house, a goose flew over and I didn’t have my shotgun so I tried to bring it down with my cannon. Apparently, my shot was a little low.”

“Are you some kind of idiot?

or,

“Sorry about that hole in your house, but your dog took a dump in my yard so you had it coming.”

“Are you some kind of idiot?”

By not reading the article the possibilities are endless.

The final thought that leaves me with a smile is that someone spent years dutifully studying journalism in one of our finest universities with noble aspirations of bettering society only to be assigned to this story. I can almost hear them leaving the editor’s office and muttering, “are you some kind of idiot?”

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